My Inward Reflection

Nadin Scott
Eastern College

The author shares her experience with "black" identity formation.  Despite her mixed heritage from Guyana mother and black-Italian father, the author was defined as "black" by others as she was growing up in Bronx, New York.  Through constantly negotiating her own racial identity during adolescence and adulthood, she has gained a deeper understanding and appreciation of "blackness." 

It is hard to think of how to describe my life to someone, how to write about me, my culture, my belief, and myself. Perhaps the most difficult thing is to present and write this in a way that the reader will truly be able to understand and know me, if that is at all possible. My life has been filled with many joyous experiences--family, salvation, school, and friendship--and some sad ones--death, loss, and failure. However, the result is the person I am today and with promise and determination the person I expect to be in the future. In this reflection, I will attempt to write about these experiences and how they have helped me to discover my own multiculturalism.

I grew up in Brooklyn, New York, with my mother, father, and later two younger sisters. My mother is a native of Guyana, South America, and my father is biracial, African–American and Italian. I was very close to my relatives and especially my paternal grandmother. Growing up I considered myself to be black because that is what everyone told me I was. Early in life I was given the obligation and duty of being responsible because I was the oldest and knew better. I tried to behave well and I was very respectful to my teachers and other adults because my parents expected no less from me. My parents have always taught me to take pride in everything I do and not to sell myself short for anything. Throughout my life that has been something I have tried to value and carry out.

Christmas is the one time of year when I feel I am in touch with my Guyanese culture. Around Christmastime, my mother and other Guyanese relatives cook traditional dishes. Some foods we eat are Black Cake, Pepperpot, Garlic Pork, and Curry Goat. Black Cake and Pepperpot are my favorites. Black Cake is made with raisins, fruits and nuts, and soaked with wine. Pepperpot is a mixture of various meats including beef cubes, ox tail, cowheel, and pig tail. The meats are cooked with hot peppers, and fresh thyme in a casereep base. Casereep is the burnt sap from a cassava root (almost like molasses). All of these ingredients are cooked down and then served hot with bread or rice. Guyanese food always reminds me of family because when we eat it we are together enjoying each other’s company and celebrating the holidays.

I was very close to my paternal grandmother, and she was very influential in my life. Granny Rose was Italian. When I was younger, she would tell me folk stories at bedtime. I thought so highly of her because she taught me to enjoy every day, no matter what the situation. Now that she is no longer here, I cherish the little memories we shared: spending the night at her house, sips of her coffee, and her famous macaroni and cheese.

While we lived in New York I attended a private Lutheran school. I loved attending school and received good marks. I was involved in various activities and made friends easily. One experience that I remember was weekly chapel. Chapel was a weekly mandatory event at the school and even though I am not a Lutheran presently, the consistency of spending time in worship has been a part of my life ever since.

When I turned nine years old, my parents decided to move from Brooklyn to Toms River, New Jersey. This was one of the most influential experiences in helping me to view and interpret my own multiculturalism. After we moved to New Jersey, a lot of things were revealed to me and I struggled with some issues. At the time we moved to Toms River, it was basically Caucasian community, and there were only a handful of black families, so my uniqueness became more evident to me. During elementary and middle school I adjusted well. In the 7th grade I became best friends with a Korean girl named Kerry. We were two of the few minorities at our school and we both developed a closer relationship throughout middle school and high school. Kerry was adopted when she was two years old by a Caucasian family, and she knew little about the Korean culture. I learned from our friendship because I was able to understand her struggles as an Asian in an environment in which she was a minority. I also watched Kerry struggle to identify herself with a culture, Korean or Caucasian or both. I really valued the time Kerry and I spent together because it was a learning experience.

My high school experience was very difficult for me because I was not able to place myself with a cultural group. At this time I struggled in understanding who I was and  what was expected from Nadine Scott. First, I knew I was black that was obvious - looking in the mirror or at my skin would quench that doubt. The problem came with my peer group and in the way I presented myself. I had few black friends due to lack of  "diversity" in my town. Therefore, when around other black young people not like me I would get teased for "acting white" and "talking proper." During this time, I did not understand why speaking correctly and acting respectfully was "uncool;" so, needless to say, I had few black friends. I also experienced a clash with my white peers, who would criticize me for not acting black enough. I remember one white girl telling me she had more black in her big toe than I had in my whole body. During the next four years I struggled with which group I would be a part of. However, with much confusion and hurt, I sided with white students, because I felt no matter how hard I tried I would truly never be accepted by my black peers.

Despite my stifled social adjustment, I experienced spiritual growth during my high school years. Most of my beliefs about God and spirituality were formed on Wednesday night bible study, or a Friday night at youth group. During this time I was involved in a small  Bible study time consisting of 5 youths. I dedicated my life to God and found an intimacy with Him that I would not find in any other relationship. One verse I cherish is Jeremiah 29:11, "For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for good and not harm to give you a future of hope."

My college experience has also helped me to understand my multiculturalism. Being a minority here at Eastern I have had the opportunity to explain myself to the people I meet and live with. Funny enough, personal hygiene has been a topic; by that I mean "Black Hair." All throughout my life I have heard comments like: "You don’t wash your hair everyday," or "Why do you put grease in your hair?" I tell people because my hair texture is different and I need to maintain it differently. These questions always seemed so petty, but I came to understand that this was my opportunity to educate another about me – so it has been my privilege to give a mini–seminar on African–American hair 101 to my unenlightened roommates.

At college I have also learned how to live with someone, and this has bettered me. Living with other people is not easy and requires give and take on the part of everyone involved. Currently, I live in a triple room. One of my roommates is Caucasian and the other is half-African American, and half-Caucasian. I feel comfortable in this environment because I am surrounded by cultures I can identify with. This is a beneficial experience because in living with others I am learning more about myself.

Another relationship that has helped me become more aware of my multiculturalism is my relationship with my boyfriend Kevin. Kevin is African–American. Kevin’s family is originally from South Carolina, and I have been exposed to many different sides of this culture. For one thing, Kevin’s culture stresses church, family, and food. Kevin has also encouraged me to be more involved in the community by volunteering in church and community organizations. I teach the first and second grade Sunday School, and am a co–director for the junior and senior high youth group. I like teaching a lot because I can share with others my knowledge and experiences. Kevin has also shown me to see myself as a beautiful woman and not to think of myself any different. Kevin’s family has been my family while at college, and I could not imagine these past three years without them.

Kevin has also given me the opportunity to appreciate the "Black Man" more than I had in the past. Before we started dating the images I had of black men were of my father and friends, and unfortunately the media stereotypes had started to filter into my thinking. I wrote a poem for Kevin last year in reflection of my appreciation for him, and what he has allowed me to share in his life. Here is an excerpt:

I wanted to write this to share with others your past, your oppression, your pain, but most important your triumphs. You are such an inspiration to me and I cherish the moments you have shared with me. You must have overcome so many obstacles in your life, which I can never truly understand –the incomprehensible Black man. The mistaken identity of a rapist, or dealer, or compromising individual. "I feel threatened by your presence" is heard too often by your ears. Others play the role of your acquaintance, but act shady when you are not around. Unintelligent, stupid, and dumb have described your race of fine, strong men. But people do not see you for who you are – and you still go on.

I knew the stereotypes that society had about Black men, but I never realized the impact of these negative stigmas until they were an issue to Kevin. I have grown to be more sensitive to his needs and supportive of his goals.

I have enjoyed writing my own cultural autobiography. It is good to relive memories, and really think about my experiences and how they affect who I am today. The person I am is composed of the experiences I wrote about and more. Before I wrote this reflection, I knew of my multiculturalism and I could talk about it. However writing this has allowed me to really grasp what it is to be Black, Guyanese, Italian, and essentially Nadine. And in learning and understanding myself, I am allowing myself to understand others.

Nadine Scott, a senior at Eastern College, is an elementary and special education major.  She is committed to teaching in the Philadelphia Metropolitan Area.

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Recommended Citation in the APA style:

Scott, N. (1999). My inward reflection. Electronic Magazine of Multicultural Education <http://www.eastern.edu/publications/emme/1999spring/scott.html> (your access year, month date).